A Life Full of Lessons

Hello friends and readers. It's been quite a while since I have had the opportunity to blog. Not that I haven't had plenty to say, but if you know me, you know that I do nothing half way. Thus, everytime I sit down to write, I intend on writing a lot. But time gets the best of me and I get back to working, sometimes not being able to pick up where I left off. But today...I decided that I needed to make time.

Yesterday, I celebrated my 35th birthday. I remember being a kid and thinking that 35 was so old it was almost dead, and it was funny then. It's not so funny now, I have to say. As I sat at my birthday dinner, in the company of my beloved better half, son and other assorted family members, I had a moment. One of those moments where nobody is talking or eating yet, and it's just quiet. I thought quickly about other "milestone" birthdays. 35 is not a milestone, per se, or at least not according to some people. To me, though...it is. See, since I was just a kid, I had this strange notion that I was not going to live past 34. I blame this on the nuns I had as teachers in school. I'm not sure exactly why, but they do make a handy dandy excuse for most of my life's dysfunctions.

But, I digress. I thought first of my 30th birthday. The first thing I noticed was that I was still surrounded by the same exact people sitting at this table today. My son was little then...not even a year old. We went to an Italian restaurant which is no longer in business around here. Sad, because it really had a quirky charm that reminded me a lot of the gaudy Italian places in my home town. The difference was that THOSE gaudy Italian restaurants were usually owned and operated by actual Italians - while this place was managed and run by mostly college students. (This restaurant was a chain.) While we were at the restaurant, we sat a table that had a giant picture of Frank Sinatra on the wall. (Really...did you expect anything else?) As scary as that larger than life picture of Frank was, it still brought a smile to my face as I recalled my grandmother, possibly Frank's biggest fan ever. She had a very similar picture of Frank in the living room until the day she died (which was the year before my 30th birthday). Weird? Definitely. The first question out of most people's mouths when they came over was..."Are you related to Frank Sinatra???" I laughed almost every time.

Then I thought of my 25th birthday. That was a pretty crappy year for me...lots of changes in just about every aspect of my life, and not all of them were good. The same people were at that birthday table, minus son of course who was not even a thought yet. I don't remember where we ate or what we did, but I do remember thinking...wow...it has GOT to get better than this. And of course, it did.

Next up was my 21st birthday which was a lot less exciting than MOST people's 21st birthdays tend to be. Another not so good time in my life. I was living in a state that was still sort of foreign to me, I missed home and my friends, and I was hanging around with a vast array of people who I should have never bothered with. I went to a restaurant that night with a former friend and ordered a beer and waited to get carded. I didn't. That was kind of a bummer. Especially since most people who meet me in person seldom ever correctly guess my age and always think I'm younger. (I suppose that is something which will come in handy at some point.) That doesn't happen to me nearly as often as it used to. Could be all those gray hairs I keep finding.

Prior to that, 16. That was a good birthday for the most part. Well, except for the fact that I was in Cherbourg France on a school trip, it was freezing cold, and I had horrible laryngitis. As a bonus, I had a nasty cough too, which took me about 2 weeks to get rid of after I got back to the US. My friends at the time bought me a ladyfinger cake...which I had never seen before. What I remember the most about this birthday, aside from the later details, was that for the first time in my young life, I felt as though I knew who I was. Kind of a deep realization to make at that age, but I was one of those moody kids who considered myself an intellectual. Or "artsy". Or whatever the vogue term of the day was then. That evening after having a very deep and involved conversation with someone who was very close to me at the time, I made a master plan of what I wanted to do for the next ten years.

Most of those plans did not turn out as expected. Some did, but that was rare. Life got in the way and things changed...as it is for so many people. Regardless of that, one thing did remain a constant. I maintained that sense of self for many of the years since. Even when things got muddy and I lost my way, or when I found myself doing things that I never thought I would (in both a good and a bad context), I still was able to pull it all together somewhat and say HEY! This is not who I am. THIS is. OK, so sometimes it took me a couple of years to get to that point. There were a lot of detours. I ended up in the right neighborhood but not at the right house PLENTY of times. Somehow though, a little introspection and a lot of desire to change brought me back full circle. I recognize that more than ever right now.

And so, bring it back to the title of this post, this is the part of these journeys that I think are the most important. The lessons. You learn lessons everyday, whether you realize it or not. Some good, some bad. But you take something with you either way. Even the ones that hurt to learn are important - because so many of those make a person who they are today. At least in my case, I know it is definitely true.

Here are some lessons I've learned.

1. Compassion is such an important thing, and there are not nearly enough people in the world who practice it on a regular basis. For every time I hear "Oh, my heart goes out to so-and-so" I hear two different versions of "She had it coming. Snicker." How did we get here?? And more importantly, why? I will never understand why so many people take so much delight in the misfortune of others. Don't get me wrong. I understand the behavior itself. It's the reasons behind it that baffle me.

2. No bad deed goes unpunished. This is absolutely true. Even if you forgot about the wrong you did...there's someone out there who didn't and chances are, you will pay for it. Someway, somehow. You never know what kind of psychological scars your actions can leave on other people. That's the most dangerous part of this lesson.

3. Be nice. Smile often. It really does make people wonder what you are up to, and when they ask...tell them. Maybe you will make them smile too.

4. It costs you nothing to be nice. It can cost you everything to be a jackass. I have learned this lesson many times now and every so often, I need to remind myself of this so I do go and umm..."re-learn" it all over again.

Now, this logic may seem flawed to you. You say..."Well, being nice sometimes costs you something! What if you buy somebody a present? That's nice and it costs money. And what if they don't give you anything for it??"

If you are asking yourself this question, then stop reading now, because you aren't going to like anything else I have to say, either.

If you're still here, consider this. The law of the universe, or at least from what I have come to understand, says that when you do good, good will come onto you. Right? So...what is the price of good? Is it the $1 ice cream you bought for a child you found lost at the mall one day? Is it a present you bought for the crankiest person in your office despite the fact that they have never been nice to you, not even once? Is it taking your personal time and throwing it into a good cause, or to helping someone else who really needs help - whether it be just an ear to listen to actual physical help? Is it paying the toll of the person behind you on the freeway? Buying a cup of coffee for the person in the drive thru line at Starbucks, even though you don't know them ? Some of those things don't have much of a monetary value, and some don't have any at all. But the value that they do have is so much more important than money, isn't it? It builds up what I like to call your Karmic Credit Line. There will come a day when you are short on cash. And believe me, my friends...that Karmic Credit Line is going to come in really handy at that moment.

Imagine that you never did anything selfless for anyone in your entire life. You lived strictly for you and to hell with everyone else. Whenever an opportunity has arisen for you to do good for someone else, you pass on it. Your Karmic Credit Line is nil. Bankrupt. So what happens then? Maybe nothing. Maybe you make due until you die without ever needing to use it. Or maybe the day will come when you truly need that Credit and it's not available to you. It would feel pretty lonely, wouldn't it?

6. Grudges are useless. Hating people...? Also useless. Both of those things require you to DO something, don't they? Hating someone is a lot of work! So is holding a grudge, even one of those deep seated, dormant ones. It also takes one other tiny thing that most people don't realize is very important to the equation. It takes caring. Yes, caring. Actively hating someone requires thinking about them or obsessing about them - even if you are daydreaming about them being hit by a bus they are nonetheless on your mind. Forgetting they exist and moving on requires no effort from you whatsoever. You also save yourself a lot on acid reflux medication. See what I'm getting at here?

These are not the only lessons, not by far. Some day I will share the rest. But for now...something to think about.